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Short Review – Fifty Shades of Grey

If you’re one of those people – yes, you were right…It’s a pretty bad film. Most of our predictions were correct and we can now relax with a smug look on our faces for predicting something that was – let’s be honest – the most blatantly obvious thing of the year: Fifty Shades of Grey: The Movie is not good. The dialogue is so atrocious that it almost becomes the year’s funniest comedy, Dakota Johnson is awful as Anastasia, the “story” makes no sense, the entire film makes an absolute mockery of people who actually lead a fetish/BDSM lifestyle, the two leads have absolutely zero chemistry and the sex scenes are left feeling stale and completely devout of any eroticism as a result of this.

However, and I say this in the most loose way possible, it’s not completely terrible. The cinematography, for instance, is superb! Every scene (especially those concerning nudity or any kind of sexual tension) is superbly lit, and the set designs are brilliant. The “BDSM room” in particular is extremely true to form and authentic. Whilst the chemistry between Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson is zilch, Dornan himself tries his very best with the car crash of a script that he’s been given, and his performance is certainly not as bad as Johnson’s. And whilst the dialogue is definitely bad (sooo bad), it’s no wear near as bad as the dialogue in E.L James’ original novel. Gone is the cringe-worthy first person narration, and gone with it are the stupidly annoying sections of Anastasia being unrealistically naive in her own head, saying things like “Wow” and “Oh jeez” whenever Christian gets his cock out – grown women just don’t talk like that. They just don’t.

However, this is rather like grasping for something bad in a film that everyone else thinks is good. It’s meaningless. A bad film is a bad film, and Fifty Shades of Grey just is no exception. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we shouldn’t really ridicule it because it’s bad. That would be like ridiculing a pig for being fat, or a skunk for being smelly – they are born that way, much in the same way that this film was fundamentally born this way. E.L James’ Fifty Shades of Grey novel is one of the worst written mainstream novels this side of the Millennium, so did we really expect anything else from a film adaption? Is it a close representation of the fetish/BDSM lifestyle? No, it is not. Is it ultimately the worst film of the year? No, ultimately, it won’t be. Last year saw the release of Mrs Brown’s Boys, and I’m quite sure something of equal caliber will be released this year. Is Fifty Shades of Grey as bad as Mrs Brown’s Boys? No, not even close. It may sound like I’m bigging up and attempting to defend what is ultimately a bad film, but allow me to put it into perspective: Fifty Shades of Grey is probably one of the only times I can think of in which “the film is better than the book”. Sure, in the case of Fifty Shades, that’s rather like how being kicked in the dick is better than being shot in the dick, but I still think it’s a very relevant point to consider. Now, can we all just forget about this poor man’s porn and look forward to some proper films?

Rating: 3/10