TheMovieCheese.net

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS A LOT OF FOUL LANGUAGE.

Keeping etiquette in a cinema has always been a prime subject of many film aficionados. It’s a truth that most film buffs are very selective of what cinema they visit and at what time. But regardless, it doesn’t matter which cinema you visit…there will always be at least one fucking retard who’s sole quest in life it is to spoil the whole experience for everyone else in the room.

I’m here to talk about a specific experience I had at the cinema last week. Me and my fiancé Emma decided to go see Scream 4. Being big Scream fans in general we were both very excited (I’d already seen the film previously, but I was more excited for Emma). The first thing to happen in the experience was; before the film had even started, there were tons of people on their mobiles. Literally at least 10 mobiles were out. Now, nobody was actually talking on them, but the bright light emitting from them was still incredibly distracting and annoying. Within minutes, a member of staff at the cinema (Vue at The Light in Leeds if you must know) came into the theater and said “Could everyone please turn their phones OFF?! We don’t want to have to throw you out before the film has even started!” – Now, a lot of people complained about the forceful nature of the way she said this. I, on the other hand, was clapping. Fucking good on her, I say. It’s about time cinemas got a bit more strict. Hell, if it was me I’d have thrown a few curse words in there as well.

So then the trailers started. Now, call me a geek, but I really enjoy the movie trailers in a cinema. So the types of people who feel it is okay to scream and shout and laugh and cause a general nuisance during this section of a cinema experience can seriously just chew on a dead horse’s cock. It is NOT okay. Trailer are clear indicators of selling a movie, they try to get across the actor’s performances and the general story as well as showing the visual style contained within. I like watching them because they can be a sign of whether I’ll like the finished product. Don’t spoil that by being a fucking idiot.

Now, on to the actual movie. Just before the film started (like, seconds before), a family entered the room. A family composed of about 15 members (seriously) – all chavs. You know, the kind of person who enters into the cinema ridiculously late (like seconds before the film) so they can completely spoil the opening credits of the film for everyone while they’re trying to find a fucking seat? Well, yeah, that’s them. Motherfuckers. As soon as they entered I knew they’d be trouble. It’s like giving a hyperactive young boy an overdose of steroids and then letting him loose in a store full of pretty electrical appliances.

Anyway, throughout a large portion of the film, one member of this family was laughing…no, HOWLING, fucking BARKING at every single little thing in the movie. Every time something happened, no matter how insignificant, he BARKED out like a fucking dog having a fight. Fucking motherfucking piece of fucking shit stained uncle fucking donkey raping motherfucker.

There’s a point in the film where main character Sidney kicks the killer down some stairs. The scene isn’t funny at all, and it isn’t meant to be. However, this fucking rape victim STILL barked off at that as well. And to make matters worse, the scenes that were genuinely funny, he didn’t laugh AT ALL. There’s a character in the film who is a sort of film buff and he gives the main characters a breakdown of the new horror movie rules, alá Randy from the original trilogy. There’s a scene in the film where the buff says “To survive a horror film now a days…you pretty much have to be gay”. It’s a hilarious scene and the line of dialogue is delivered brilliantly by Rory Culkin. However, the little fuckwit in front of me didn’t laugh AT ALL.

Also, throughout most of the film, whenever a character in the film said or did something really stupid, this guy was going “OH WHAT THE FUCK? WHY IS SHE DOING THAT? THAT’S SOOOOOOO UNREALISTIC?!” – Also, to the people who do this: you’re a fucking idiotic piece of caterpillar-raping retarded cunt-nugget. We KNOW that what people do in horror films is stupid, we KNOW that in real life people would never “run upstairs, look under a car or convenientally loose signal at the worst possible moment” – that DOESN’T mean you can sit there pointing each and every single fucking discrepancy out to us.

Now, the main reason I’ve written this is because I KNOW there are people out there – people reading this article right now – who have done this very thing. You’re sat there right now reading this article and laughing at how comedic my language is and the fact I’m making a joke out of a stressful situation. But you missunderstand…this isn’t a laughing matter. And to those of you out there who are guilty of the very thing I am complaining about: I have a very important message; and that message is as follows…

…FUCK YOU. Seriously, if you are so fucking pretentious that you feel you have the fucking right to spoil a service that DECENT people have paid for, then you DESERVE to be seriously knocked down a peg or two. The people around you that you annoy every time you visit the cinema have PAID good money to watch a movie, not listen to you’re ugly fucking mouth rambling on like some sort of rabid fucking animal. You are among the worst kind of human, and if after reading this you feel horrified enough to remove me from your Facebook list or whatever, then so be it. I don’t wish to be associated with fucking rectums like you.

Now, a small message for the person who RUINED Scream 4 last week. You are a fucking dog. A complete piece of trashy shite, the likes of which gets shit out of the anus of a hippopotamus on a day to day basis. I hope one day that something really bad happens to you, like a terminal illness. And while I’d never wish actual harm upon your offspring, I hope they cut themselves off from you so as to escape from the sheer horror there life will bring if they were to stay in your “care”. Over the next few years I am going to be checking the newspapers VERY carefully. And if I see your picture in the obituaries. If I hear of your death (yes…death), or anything else terribly bad that could have happened to you, you know what I’ll do? Do you want to know what I’ll do? I’ll tell you what I’ll do…..

……I shall laugh my motherfucking ass off.